The Distressing Chronicles of Jaken
by The Madman From The Bronx
Summary: This story basically pokes fun at every character, first and mainly Jaken. May change the title now that the story has expanded...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters, except for myself. (hopefully)

Enjoy!!!

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The Distressing Chronicles of Jaken 

I was in a place I didn't recognize. It seemed like a school, but it wasn't one I had ever been to. I am a strange girl which strange things never happen to. Until today, that is.

I was apparently on office duty today. Which meant while the principal was fanning himself and wearing sunglasses at the beach, I was running papers to all the classrooms. Since the teachers were still regrettably here to teach, and probably a little tougher without the supervision of the principal, there was no good part in this little "holiday."

I had never been to or heard of such a holiday. Being the principal, I imagine I would love it. The teachers probably would, too. Supervision of the principal off their backs. But the students? Students would HATE this holiday. It wouldn't make anything easier for them. So why is it called a holiday?

"Zoe?"

"Yes?"

"I need you to run those papers on the desk up to room 159."

"Damn," I muttered under my breath.

"Sorry?"

"Right away. Anything else?"

"No, thank you."

So first I'm sent to the principal's office, next I'm sent to run an errand for… who was that anyway? Oz? This place is really starting to creep me out.

I headed to room 159, soon found it, then quietly opened the door.

The strangest sight beheld me.

"Now this class… is Jupiter." A little, short, green, SOMETHING was holding a long pointer, pointing to things on the blackboard.

"I have a question, Master Jaken."

"Yes, Tserro?"

"What does that stick with the monkey head over there do?"

"That is irrelevant to the learning atmosphere of this school!" Jaken got very angry and jumped up and down on his feet, looking as if he were above the class's... impudence.

He continued to rant for a minute or so, then resumed teaching. One more sight with the small green imp and the giant pointer was too much for me.

I burst into laughter at the door.

"Who are you?"

"I came… to. deliver… these!!!!!!!!!!!!" I gasped between bursts of laughter.

"And what is so funny?"

I couldn't take it any longer. "YOU!!!!!!!!"

My laughter drowned out the angry words, angry expression experiencing my impudence, and the jumping up and down, which of course made me laugh even harder.

For the next few minutes, I was sitting on a stool in front of the class, wearing a dunce cap that Jaken had written on in his terrible handwriting BDA STDUENDT. I could not conceal the grin on my face, of the hilarity of it all. I sat looking at all of the 7 year olds, listening intently to Jaken.

The bell finally rang, and I waited for all of the kids to leave before I got up. Jaken was talking to a little girl from the class named Rin, but I wasn't conspicuous enough to slip out unnoticed.

"Just a minute, girl!"

The sight of him yelling at me again, those angry big yellow eyes in that green face, was just hilarious. I turned my head away to keep myself from dying of laughter.

"Face me, girl!"

"I will, but please forgive me if I can't hear you through my laughter."

And the girl started laughing. Rin said,

"I can understand her view of you. I can even… agree!!!" She burst into giggles.

"Why, you insolent girl! Lord Sesshomeru will surely punish you for that," he said. He obviously hoped it was true. Yeah, he wishes…

"Of course he won't!!! Lord Sesshomeru won't punish me for disobeying any of your orders unless it's to go run for cover, and I either don't or you end up losing me!"

I could tell that Jaken knew it was so, but he still had something to say.

"You insolent girl!! Of course Lord Sesshomeru," his emphasis on this name almost made me laugh more, "would punish you. He is noble and beyond such insolence." Is that the only word he knows?

But Rin was laughing, knowing that she had won her battle.

Jaken then came up to me. I knew what was coming. More of the rants and jumping up and down. But I was wrong.

"You! Come with me! Lord Sesshomeru will deal with your…"

"Insolence." I cut him off.

He glared at me and started talking loudly and excitedly and jumping up and down. "Lord Sesshomeru would never, never tolerate…"

"Will I get another dunce cap?"

I was sure that Sesshomeru wouldn't lay a hand on me for my "insolence," not if this imp were still alive. And since he was, I felt pretty safe.

We were on our way to see Sesshomeru.

I was so used to Jaken he wasn't even funny anymore. He annoyed me immensely. Sesshomeru's name was in every sentence, and it brought sudden glow to each sentence.

"InuYasha seems to be after my lord. But Lord Sesshomeru would never take insults from a dirty, lowly, half-demon like InuYasha…"

"Rin, don't you remember? Lord Sesshomeru, as noble as he is, saved you from that demon! You should show much more gratitude toward him…"

"Yes, I do know of that incident, but Lord Sesshomeru…"

"Hey, Jaken, would you do me a favor and SHUT UP ABOUT SESSHOMERU!!"

He looked insulted and I knew what was coming.

"Lord Sesshomeru is a noble, brave, wonderful lord and to be insulted by a lowly human such as yourself…" he started jumping up and down.

I started to admire Sesshomeru. He obviously had a lot of patience, or he would have killed this imp years ago.

"Lord Sesshomeru!" My head shot up. I had been staring at my feet for most of the way. Rin was running towards a man with long white hair. He had a very cold expression on his face. He was indeed intimidating, though I still held no fear of him.

The man walked closer to us.

"Jaken, who is this girl?"

"Her?" he gave me a filthy glare. "Lord Sesshomeru, this girl is a very insolent…"

"She's very nice, Lord Sesshomeru," Rin declared.

Sesshomeru stared at Jaken. "And why did you bring her here?" He looked away. "I have no use for her. Send her away."

"But Lord Sesshomeru, this girl is very insolent. She must be punished for…"

"Heed me, Jaken."

Jaken shrank back, looking doubtful. "Yes, my lord."

He gave me another filthy glare.

"Now go! You have wasted enough of Lord Sesshomeru's time!"

_Yeah, mine too, Jaken._ I turned around and started walking in the other direction. It was then that I realized that I had no clue where I was going. Great. Now what would I do? Without glancing back, I walked to one of the hills that we had passed and climbed to the other side of it. Didn't want anyone spying on me.

Now where was I? It didn't seem that geographical location was the only problem. It seemed like I was in another world.

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Thanks for reading, and please review! I know I'm kind of setting this up for another chapter, but I'm not sure if I'm going to add more or just keep it like this. 


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah, I decided to make this a story with a plot, and not just revolving around Jaken. (though he will be in most of the story) Enjoy!

Disclaimers: I do not own any character from Inuyasha, and from last chapter, I overlooked Oz. I do not own Oz.

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"Sesshomeru…" a low voice whispered in the darkness. 

"Naraku," Sesshomeru muttered, emotionless. "Why have you come?"

"Another opportunity has arisen to replace your arm."

Sesshomeru turned away. "I'm not interested."

"If you cooperate, the girl won't be harmed."

Sesshomeru immediately recognized this as a trap. _He can't harm me_. he thought. He looked behind him. Rin and Jaken were sleeping peacefully, Jaken's snores penetrating the silence of the night. _I may as well go along on this little trek of his. It is an excellent opportunity to defeat Naraku._

"Where is this so called arm?"

"Master Jaken, Lord Sesshomeru is gone! Where could he be?"

Jaken did not wake.

"MASTER JAKEN!!!"

He awoke with a start.

"Master Jaken, Lord Sesshomeru is gone!"

Jaken gasped, then looked irritated.

"Impossible! Lord Sesshomeru would never leave ME, his most faithful follower, behind without telling me of his whereabouts!"

"What about me, Master Jaken?"

Jaken didn't hear. He was getting angrier and angrier, until…

He burst into tears. "Lord Sesshomeru!!! Don't leave me behind!!!"

"Lord Sesshomeru, why did you leave me?! Why did you leave without my superior protection?!"

He sobbed and sobbed, and continued ranting about Sesshomeru's sudden departure. He didn't quite dare to call him "insolent" but the word was on his mind.

When he finally stopped, he noticed that he was alone.

"Rin, Rin, where are you Rin?"

"RIN!!! WHY DID YOU GO AND LEAVE ME TOO?! IS THIS ALL THAT MY SUPERIOR PROTECTION MEANS TO YOU?!!!"

"How insolent!"

He burst into tears, and started ranting again.

I woke with a start. I was very tired, and hated being awakened. I decided to find what had awakened me and set my eternal wrath upon it.

It was not until I looked at the hill that I remembered what had happened to me yesterday.

And the screaming rants enlightened me even further.

My sleepy eyes beheld the sight of Jaken jumping up and down and ranting. He started swaying and he fell over, the weight of his staff proving too much for him.

"Oh man, oh man." I thought, thinking about how I would take out my revenge on him. I grinned evilly and rubbed my hands together, picturing 3 large bumps on Jaken's head.

2 arms grabbed me.

"Hey wench. Empty your pockets."

I turned around and saw a villager, but by his comment I immediately knew he was a thief.

I measured him up and tried not to panic. The man was huge. Oh well. I didn't have anything worth stealing but I had an enormous ego to protect.

"I don't think so." Out of the corner of my eye, I was looking for any weapon to protect myself with.

He leaped at me, and I easily moved out of the way, for once grateful for my lessons in self defense and agility.

I dodged 3 or 4 more lunges. Damn! You'd think a branch or rock or something…

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was on the ground, the wind knocked out of me. My vision was blurry, and I struggled to see. 2 hands were picking me up. I was in the air again, and I felt pain start up in my back midair. My back went rigid. I had hit a tree.

I tried to clear my head and prevent myself from passing out, then I noticed a branch that had fallen off the tree. "Ah. This'll do," I told myself.

I heard footsteps.

The troll-sized man was coming back for me. I stood up with some difficulty.

"You're not going to get any of my gold!!!"

It was a stupid thing to say, but my pride had taken a blow and I wanted a REAL opponent to fight against.

"Gold?" He growled and started running toward me.

Heh. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew this time.

But then I started to think. This guy was slow, due to his size. I think…

I was waiting… waiting…

I stumbled. _Oh no! He's right about to crash into me!_

I tripped, and hurled my body away from the tree.

CRASH!

…crack

Oh, no that can't be…

No it wasn't. It was just a branch.

I was relieved that my ankle was far enough away that it wasn't broken or even harmed.

That tree was pretty big. I wonder how it didn't fall from the momentum of that troll.

I heard a rustling. Wait. How the HELL can he still be conditioned to fight? Stupid me. I no longer had to worry about my _ego_ getting hurt. Unless I was defeated, that is.

I got up and faced the thief. He resorted to punching, probably because the next time he fell after a lunge, he wouldn't be able to get back up.

I blocked all his blows with my stick, and hit him 3 times in the stomach. He stooped over. That did it.

I began beating him on the back, and when I thought I had done enough, I crashed him at the back of the head 4 times.

He fell to the ground, unconscious.

I stared at him for a while, and then turned around and walked away.

After walking about 5 minutes, I saw a green imp banging his staff on the ground, in frustration.

I grinned and was about to go bop him on the head a couple of times when I noticed some movement in the bushes about 10 feet behind Jaken.

"Quiet, Jaken."

He didn't stop.

"Jaken!!"

He continued.

I saw faces appear in the bushes. I began to panic.

"JAKEN, SHUT UP!!!" I shouted, high pitched.

He wouldn't shut up.

I hit him hard on the head, with my fist.

He was now addressing me, but I didn't hear what he was saying.

5 men sprang out from the bushes. I was relieved. They didn't look like much more of a match than the thief.

Except…

They looked much more limber.

And they looked smarter.

And stronger.

And there were 5 of them.

I knew I wouldn't need to tell any of these men I had gold.

But they seemed to be after something else, though I couldn't tell what it was.

Jaken held up his stick.

"Staff of the 2 heads!"

It didn't do anything.

"STAFF OF THE 2 HEADS!!!" He brandished the stick, and fell over with the weight of it.

The men were getting closer. I held up my stick, ready to attack.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around.

"Will you bear my children?"

He immediately got whacked on his head with a giant… boomerang? A girl stood behind him, holding the strange weapon. A second later her head was whacked, and she fell unconscious, revealing one of the bandits, holding up his fist.

Pain suddenly shot up in my head, and I whirled around and twisted the arm of a bandit. He howled in pain, and I whacked him once with my stick._And just a while ago, I was thinking only of my ego! I am SUCH an idiot!_

There were too many of them, and the unconscious monk and girl were no help. Neither was Jaken, who had nearly cracked his stick trying to whack the men with it.

_Well, they AREN'T Robin's merry men. _I thought sarcastically.

They were closing in on me, all 4 of them.

"Okay, wench. Give us your jewel shards and there won't be any trouble."

_Jewel shards? Okay, first of all, what makes these guys think I have ANYTHING, much less jewel shards? Second of all, I haven't even heard of them…_

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said truthfully. "I don't have any of these jewel shards you mention."

"Lying wench…"

_Do I look rich or something?_

"Give them to us!"

_I mean, first that troll and now this…_

"Now!"

I sighed. These men didn't want to play friendly. I would have to fight them until they believed me.

After punching, whacking, poking, bopping, and karate chopping the bandits they were starting to get a little mad.

"We shall kill you!"

Uh oh.

Now to REAL business…

I snickered and reached into my pocket for my holy water.

"AHHH!"

A burning sensation started in my hand.

_Ummm... maybe THAT's why I'm here in the first place?  
_

"Wind scar!!!"

It wasn't from one of the bandits. Great! Here's my chance to high-tail it out of here!

I ran for my life, and when I was well out of sight slowed down to a brisk walk. I walked for about 3 hours, hoping I would walk back into my own time, or at least around the world.

I succeeded in neither, ending up about 12 miles from the nearest village.

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Thanks for reading, please review! 


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